When I was just a kid, I often hear grown-ups say “I need to forget about my past.” I realised it is more about remembering the despair, which had only been covered, – but left unamended. It is almost like a suicide. As the saying goes, “forget the pain and not the memory.” It is one of the strongest lessons humankind has ever learned because It shuns us from struggling over our deep despondence. Underneath my tough exterior, was a teenager with intolerance attenuated by her urge to break free. I was living my tender years in the midst of a crossfire. Up until my early twenties, I didn’t have the patience to stick with the self-improvement plan. I understand that as much as our brains are capable of controlling our decisions on a daily basis, to provoke such unpleasant memories is just sick. Recently, I met someone who reminds me of myself. He just mentioned to me his (I would say concerns, instead of apprehensions) about his future. Transitioning from being a young man to being a grown up man seems a big deal to him. His notions are an impressive reflection of his analytic and observant personality. He is even smarter than me when I was 20! Independent for 5 years and had been moving to various countries on his own. Aware of his weaknesses that he has to learn to live with.
I heard him say, “I always end up being the dick!” He feels tangled in between believing he is, and he is not. I saw a stack of self-improvement books in his bedroom, and I thought “at least he reads those,” which makes him a better teen than I was. When I was his age, I don’t even glance at books with titles about life, and growing up. As I was listening to him, I went by with my instinctive feeling, and not by conscious reasoning. It left me intrigued of his mind, especially with his facial expression while saying “I left Ukraine when I was 15. I always remind myself to keep going, and put my past behind me.” Even though I sense a big chunk of pessimism from him, I admire his calm approach and nature that keeps him in his goals. There were questions in my head which play a good role in making me realise that it is healthy to go back to what we have left, and take a closer look at what was once over and done. Because sometimes what we have been looking for may have been buried somewhere in our past pains. I have no right to judge him because I am not in his shoes and I don’t read minds. I only knew him for a very short time and I was a bit insensitive the last time I talked to him. And as what my gut told me, he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Even so, I took the time to recall and justify his statements. Remembering his facial expression, I know it wasn’t pretentious. Perhaps, for him to say “it’s over and done, I leave it behind me” in a slightly irritated tone. For me, it seems to denote an uncontrolled intensity in the mind of just wanting to leave it, regardless. Thus, it is an easier move to ignore someone instead.
Apparently, such choice is logically far from being “over and done.” It’s more of “I hate it, so I’m gone.” In my experience, no one knew I was in chaos. I tried to overcome my emotional challenges by looking deep into my issues unbigoted. To call it OVER and DONE but unable to look back is simply giving in to the problems I am involved. But I don’t take it against those who walks into that path because I struggled the same. And it took years for me to endure it all. I was only able to overcome the negative issues by turning my guards down, catching all the bullets, and allowing myself to get hurt. Eventually, “I learned that every scar is a sign of survival.” It’s easy to see that he is capable of paving his own path to reach his goals. I envy him for getting that far at his young age. I do hope I could see him again and just smile.